Another love story

And illuminating it was, again.

Love, lust and longing… 

I have always said i wanted to visit the three “I”s 

Indonesia India and Ireland 

But amazingly i am always stuck with the three “L”s

Travelling through emotions in stead of countries 

An adventurer of people and not places

I’d rather be travelling then wondering right now…



I used to think that all loves lost left a black hole in my heart, that a piece of my heart died after the failed relationship. And that this inhibited the potential to love wholly again, and after having a couple of real break ups, it seemed my capacity to love was shrunk.

black hole

I was wrong.

Lost loves where love to start with, it was loving, caring compassionate and fulfilling, until the end. Not all loves are meant to last forever, some teach you about life, others about yourself, a myriad of lessons.

But all of them contribute to your ability to love again, after the lessons and experiences you grow, you become stronger, smarter.

With the next person that you choose to let into your heart and soul you have a clearer perception of what love is, for you.

Its about acceptance, being real, trusting, commitment, boundaries, values and holding that person in happiness and pain.

Its about getting up from those lost loves and having the courage to love again, because they have painted colours in your heart with love, colours that you can use to make you a whole person.

Without those colours you would be a blank pallet.

My ability to love has not been blackened and shrivelled, it has been illuminated.



noun: karma
  1. (in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person’s actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.
    1. informal
      destiny or fate, following as effect from cause


I must have been a marriage wrecker in my previous life, karma is bitch slapping me with a very limited social circle in this one… also called isolation.

Taking all choices and consequences into account, I cannot comprehend why my social infrastructure stays so small.  I have family in my town but I cannot socialize with them due to their absent nature and toxic behavior.

I have one friend from school but she lives in her own social bubble with kids and a husband and lots of family that keep them saturated in socializing (i hope)…

My ex husband stays in another country, and his family aborted me when I filed for divorce, would I have wanted close contact with them?  I don’t think so, but it would have been nice to have had the option to choose.

Work friends that occupy my week days are my closest social circle, I love them for that, but it’s such a temporary friendship although a deeply satisfying one.

My Dad stays 7 hours drive from me, and my Mom is dead.

At home I have two kids.

I have joined Tinder to meet new people and have met swingers and fanatic religious people, they haven’t become part of my environment due to obvious reasons.

Joining groups are less successful, having kids limits the options and joining a Church is not an option.

Where do the complicated, weird but wonderful gather together to form a community.  Mad enough to understand you, but simple enough to be a good example for the little people that investigate ones every move?

I am bored and lonely.



The stars


I love astrology, the way loads of information is available to you for your choice.   To me, its a tool to identify with and clarify certain characters traits that becomes me.  A tool

There are many different tools, which I also use / like, like tarot cards, psychology, dreams, it’s symbolism that works for me and with that picture or explanation I give meaning to the things I feel or think and help me understand myself and others.  This does not mean that I allocated boxes to stereotypes, I go on searching until I get the meaning that best describes the situation, and when I find that it just resonates with me.

I trust this ability, lead by intuition and a fair share of reality it has served me well.

Fortunately religion has no value, for me.

I am a Gemini, occupying the third house of the astro houses, ruling communication and duality.  Duality does not necessarily mean indecisiveness, not being able to choose between black and white, but rather that I love both black and white… dark an light.

My ex husband is a Capricorn (10th house), explained by Astrology as a person who loves structure and career…. I would rather say he is hard headed, the aforementioned might be true, but the horns stand out and they are forever young at heart.  Maybe he will stay a boy for all his life?

My family (and an ex lover) are all Taurus and Cancerians, 2nd and 4th houses of the astro houses.  Left and Right side of my house, that makes sense that I should be surrounded by my family?  Yeah it does

I have had two very brief encounters romantically with Scorpios (8th House), and both were nightmares, they test and sting and judge and are just too much to deal with.  I will not be able to be in a romantic relationship with a Scorpio ever!! BUT in business we work well, all good for business relationships.

Sagittarius (9th house) is my ascendant, right opposite the astro house of Gemini is Sag. That’s were my romantic relationship will come from, one day.

I have left Piscerians for last, as they are the 12th house and last of the astrological houses.  I have been in a relationship with a fish and have a female friend and my other mother is Pisces.  Very noble brave intellectual people, limited emotional availability probably because they experience their emotions so intensely , but wise and calm and solitary… With this Pisces and Gemini combo I always get the feeling that I am the teenager and they are the elder, in all three relationships.  But it works

Notice what I mentioned in the first paragraph… the method is not as important as finding the meaning.

Always find your meaning no matter which path you choose






patronizing blank pages

treat with an apparent kindness that betrays a feeling of superiority.

That’s what these empty screens do, they allure you with an poetic look at writing, the smell of roses and the sound of angels singing.

And as soon as you start to write it all changes, there were the music was is now the scratching sound of chalk on a blackboard, emotions come pouring out your finger tips

Were the fuck has the angels gone?!



Yesterday I had lunch with a good friend of mine, we chatted away as the minutes passed by.  I mostly pried into his private life and we spoke about intimacy and how the act of having sex without a connection is meaningless. We had Indian food and laughed, and then he kissed me.

I can rationalise our history and the subject matter and the kiss and the effect.  But honestly the detail is unimportant.

When I went into my confusion I saw compassion.  I saw his compassion for me as a mirror of my compassion for him.  What a purifying loving experience.

I am thankful




Yesterday I was having a chat with a friend, and he came to the conclusion that I get stifled by complexities and the he finds freedom in complexities.  This same friend has called me a reductionalist, so he hasn’t wandered off the path of what he thinks my inherent actions and reactions to be.

And I have been pondering the idea of “freedom in complexities”, he could just as well said he finds “laughter in murder”… which is a bit over-driven, but you get my just.

So I typed in the words “freedom in complexities” into Google and up along  came a book that had been written in 1984 and described people that find freedom in complexities as Instrumentalists.

Firstly the first two people that thought of this theory was fighting over who had the right concepts of the theory.  To me, this make the theory even more complex to begin with?!

So Dewey an Popper were forming Instrumentalism and has 4 point on which they based the theory:

1) Theories are instruments, tools-of-the-trade of thinking.

2) Theories are tested by consequences, applying the instrumental criterion of judgment.

3) Theory-development requires inductive reasoning, basing general statements on limited observations

4) There are no realities beyond what can be known using instrumental theories.

Dewey and Poppy disagreed on points number 3 and 4.  I disagree with nr. 4 as I think there are many realities, and as I  said to him yesterday “That which we call a rose would smell just as sweet by any other name”

So I think he is an Instrumentalist, he thinks I am a reductionalist, I find chaos in complexities as he finds freedom within that…he is a man, I am a woman.

And what does this all mean?

We are different

Will these differences drive us apart?

Who knows

The question in all of this is, is the relationship worth more than the labels?  Does acceptance of another (with all of their quirks and labels) come easily or not?

Who gets “your” beauty?

Who are the people in your life that “get” the things that are beautiful / meaningful / important to you?

Surely they should be like minded, otherwise they will be agreeing to something which is not understood or of importance to them.

There is no disagreement to a beautiful sunset… but that is experienced together, you cannot tell another what that sunset looked like and believe that they will have an experience out of it.

My daughter plays games on her tablet, and then she shows me the wonderful cakes she baked, I have a amused look on my face, but it bores me to death… same way around if I had to tell her about the wonderful Paulo Coelho book I have been reading… she will stand still long enough to let me finish my sentence, out of respect, but no interest.

It is a blessing when you find a person you can relate to on many levels.

Someone who understands and is interested in your daily life (as you are in theirs, and the appreciation is visible) someone who shares the fairytales, music, books, poetry, laughter, news, politics, world economic events and laughter of it all.

My we all be blessed to find such a person – because in that your soul will flourish


PS: a search on google for images of beauty results in ALL woman images… makes you think hey? 🙂


I miss the place where I used to lie in my x lovers arms.  It was comforting, safe and nurturing. Peaceful.

That’s it.  Just that.

I didn’t work out and never will and there of a lot of reasons why and we both know them.

But I miss that space and the sadness overwhelms me because I can’t see myself having that space with someone else.

How do you know which shoulder will have the perfect fit for your head?