noun: karma
  1. (in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person’s actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.
    1. informal
      destiny or fate, following as effect from cause


I must have been a marriage wrecker in my previous life, karma is bitch slapping me with a very limited social circle in this one… also called isolation.

Taking all choices and consequences into account, I cannot comprehend why my social infrastructure stays so small.  I have family in my town but I cannot socialize with them due to their absent nature and toxic behavior.

I have one friend from school but she lives in her own social bubble with kids and a husband and lots of family that keep them saturated in socializing (i hope)…

My ex husband stays in another country, and his family aborted me when I filed for divorce, would I have wanted close contact with them?  I don’t think so, but it would have been nice to have had the option to choose.

Work friends that occupy my week days are my closest social circle, I love them for that, but it’s such a temporary friendship although a deeply satisfying one.

My Dad stays 7 hours drive from me, and my Mom is dead.

At home I have two kids.

I have joined Tinder to meet new people and have met swingers and fanatic religious people, they haven’t become part of my environment due to obvious reasons.

Joining groups are less successful, having kids limits the options and joining a Church is not an option.

Where do the complicated, weird but wonderful gather together to form a community.  Mad enough to understand you, but simple enough to be a good example for the little people that investigate ones every move?

I am bored and lonely.




The stars


I love astrology, the way loads of information is available to you for your choice.   To me, its a tool to identify with and clarify certain characters traits that becomes me.  A tool

There are many different tools, which I also use / like, like tarot cards, psychology, dreams, it’s symbolism that works for me and with that picture or explanation I give meaning to the things I feel or think and help me understand myself and others.  This does not mean that I allocated boxes to stereotypes, I go on searching until I get the meaning that best describes the situation, and when I find that it just resonates with me.

I trust this ability, lead by intuition and a fair share of reality it has served me well.

Fortunately religion has no value, for me.

I am a Gemini, occupying the third house of the astro houses, ruling communication and duality.  Duality does not necessarily mean indecisiveness, not being able to choose between black and white, but rather that I love both black and white… dark an light.

My ex husband is a Capricorn (10th house), explained by Astrology as a person who loves structure and career…. I would rather say he is hard headed, the aforementioned might be true, but the horns stand out and they are forever young at heart.  Maybe he will stay a boy for all his life?

My family (and an ex lover) are all Taurus and Cancerians, 2nd and 4th houses of the astro houses.  Left and Right side of my house, that makes sense that I should be surrounded by my family?  Yeah it does

I have had two very brief encounters romantically with Scorpios (8th House), and both were nightmares, they test and sting and judge and are just too much to deal with.  I will not be able to be in a romantic relationship with a Scorpio ever!! BUT in business we work well, all good for business relationships.

Sagittarius (9th house) is my ascendant, right opposite the astro house of Gemini is Sag. That’s were my romantic relationship will come from, one day.

I have left Piscerians for last, as they are the 12th house and last of the astrological houses.  I have been in a relationship with a fish and have a female friend and my other mother is Pisces.  Very noble brave intellectual people, limited emotional availability probably because they experience their emotions so intensely , but wise and calm and solitary… With this Pisces and Gemini combo I always get the feeling that I am the teenager and they are the elder, in all three relationships.  But it works

Notice what I mentioned in the first paragraph… the method is not as important as finding the meaning.

Always find your meaning no matter which path you choose






patronizing blank pages

treat with an apparent kindness that betrays a feeling of superiority.

That’s what these empty screens do, they allure you with an poetic look at writing, the smell of roses and the sound of angels singing.

And as soon as you start to write it all changes, there were the music was is now the scratching sound of chalk on a blackboard, emotions come pouring out your finger tips

Were the fuck has the angels gone?!



Yesterday I had lunch with a good friend of mine, we chatted away as the minutes passed by.  I mostly pried into his private life and we spoke about intimacy and how the act of having sex without a connection is meaningless. We had Indian food and laughed, and then he kissed me.

I can rationalise our history and the subject matter and the kiss and the effect.  But honestly the detail is unimportant.

When I went into my confusion I saw compassion.  I saw his compassion for me as a mirror of my compassion for him.  What a purifying loving experience.

I am thankful




Yesterday I was having a chat with a friend, and he came to the conclusion that I get stifled by complexities and the he finds freedom in complexities.  This same friend has called me a reductionalist, so he hasn’t wandered off the path of what he thinks my inherent actions and reactions to be.

And I have been pondering the idea of “freedom in complexities”, he could just as well said he finds “laughter in murder”… which is a bit over-driven, but you get my just.

So I typed in the words “freedom in complexities” into Google and up along  came a book that had been written in 1984 and described people that find freedom in complexities as Instrumentalists.

Firstly the first two people that thought of this theory was fighting over who had the right concepts of the theory.  To me, this make the theory even more complex to begin with?!

So Dewey an Popper were forming Instrumentalism and has 4 point on which they based the theory:

1) Theories are instruments, tools-of-the-trade of thinking.

2) Theories are tested by consequences, applying the instrumental criterion of judgment.

3) Theory-development requires inductive reasoning, basing general statements on limited observations

4) There are no realities beyond what can be known using instrumental theories.

Dewey and Poppy disagreed on points number 3 and 4.  I disagree with nr. 4 as I think there are many realities, and as I  said to him yesterday “That which we call a rose would smell just as sweet by any other name”

So I think he is an Instrumentalist, he thinks I am a reductionalist, I find chaos in complexities as he finds freedom within that…he is a man, I am a woman.

And what does this all mean?

We are different

Will these differences drive us apart?

Who knows

The question in all of this is, is the relationship worth more than the labels?  Does acceptance of another (with all of their quirks and labels) come easily or not?

Who gets “your” beauty?

Who are the people in your life that “get” the things that are beautiful / meaningful / important to you?

Surely they should be like minded, otherwise they will be agreeing to something which is not understood or of importance to them.

There is no disagreement to a beautiful sunset… but that is experienced together, you cannot tell another what that sunset looked like and believe that they will have an experience out of it.

My daughter plays games on her tablet, and then she shows me the wonderful cakes she baked, I have a amused look on my face, but it bores me to death… same way around if I had to tell her about the wonderful Paulo Coelho book I have been reading… she will stand still long enough to let me finish my sentence, out of respect, but no interest.

It is a blessing when you find a person you can relate to on many levels.

Someone who understands and is interested in your daily life (as you are in theirs, and the appreciation is visible) someone who shares the fairytales, music, books, poetry, laughter, news, politics, world economic events and laughter of it all.

My we all be blessed to find such a person – because in that your soul will flourish


PS: a search on google for images of beauty results in ALL woman images… makes you think hey? 🙂


I miss the place where I used to lie in my x lovers arms.  It was comforting, safe and nurturing. Peaceful.

That’s it.  Just that.

I didn’t work out and never will and there of a lot of reasons why and we both know them.

But I miss that space and the sadness overwhelms me because I can’t see myself having that space with someone else.

How do you know which shoulder will have the perfect fit for your head?

Post (An Indulgence in Pessimism)

Truth in the Tension

I want to write
With a typewriter
Just enough off the lines
To look the part


I want the subject matter
To be vague but
Dressed up

Like remembering the first wedding you ever went to.

I want every girl
Who thinks about applying
Herself in action and thought
But then gets tagged in a pic
To identify and feel her
Wild heart flutter
When reading my words

I want my insert-adjective-here
To juxtapose so freshly with
My insert-noun-here that everyone
Forgets to think about what
Shortcuts the subject
Matter takes

We are all hardline emotional flakes.

But we all feel so differently
And the fiery pangs of self can’t lie
Except against the grain
All points the same way

Because they all are.

She is:
Beneath the surface
Longing for that one love
Remembering past relationships
Uniquely twisted

I want 900,000

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Giving the universe a joyful experience

I have a friend who blogs about love and the universe. (check him out) When I met him, and soon afterward he started blog about his thoughts, I didn’t fully understand what he was saying. It’s all about the universe and how the Universe had created humans so the The Universe could have a human experience through us. His blog is about humans and how we are supposed to live in love for one another and the earth. He doesn’t talk about it much, but I cornered him while driving together one day, and after his explanation it made more sense.
I have been pondering this, and I have been looking at what kind of experience I am giving the Universe. Therein lies two crucial concepts, GIVING and MY EXPERIENCE. At some stage in you spiritual awakening you become aware of how much you are spinning around in your own world, and then you realise you need to give back somehow. Some people spend a life time searching for a way to give back, physically, for what they have received in spirit and experience.
And herein lies my realisation (mine) giving back to The Universe is having a joyful experience. That is the gift. Of allowing your human life to be one that is enjoyed, not just for yourself and the humans around you, but for the Universe to experience it through you.
There are so many people unawakened, struggling through their life’s, worried, burdened, miserable, full of hate and anger. Some spiritualists say that is low vibration energy and that emotions of joy and happiness is high vibration energy. I am not sure of those things, and if that would matter to the Universe that creates all vibrations.
I think there are enough dark experiences for the Universe, it’s time that the few off us that see the light make that experience happen.